Richieb799 from Cardiff, Wales UK on December 11, 2010: I can see it would be hard in a second marriage! Dealing with our issues is important in all our relationships, even friendships. Ally is a psychologist happily married to surgeon David in Philadelphia. Being a "second wife," should not mean being second in importance, and if that message is conveyed, it can lead to a multitude of negative emotions. She has written a book on the topic of remarriage. So, don't expect it to all be blissful in month, or even in a year. My fiance has 1 child. A common sense approach with attainable goals. Hope that things will get better... especially after I come to terms with the fact that although this marriage is not ideal to most... it is good for me. sureye from Tennessee on December 22, 2010: I cannot tell you how much this means to me! I don't know where you are at now, seeing it is seven months later, but I wish you all the best, and thank you so much for writing in. In short, yes. She can be hurt and alone and confused by why this is happening. It sounds like you are going through a really hard time right now. That is something we have done with each other, too. The role of the stepmother is the most complicated and demanding one in any blended family. Take care. Blessings to both of you! Take care! :). I would also suggest a joint, household budget that you try to follow. There is no guarantee. Storyline In Hollywood, second wives are often painted as opportunistic women who swoop in to take advantage of everything their successful husbands have to offer. Take care. The eight-episode, hour-long docu-series follows six women who are married or engaged to wealthy, powerful men. Not at all. Sanders married his first wife, Josephine, at the young age of 19. For the first two years, our marriage was a nightmare in many ways. Sharilee Swaity (author) from Canada on March 08, 2017: @Lavieizzybelle, I am so, so happy that this article made such a difference for you. After ten years hubby won't add me to the house title. reality series in the vein of the Real Housewives franchise, centered on the gossip-filled lives and manufactured dramas of ladies who lunch. I think it has helped our marriage to get stronger because it is a constant reinforcement of our commitment to each other. One of the biggest keys to letting go is forgiveness. Second Wives Club is an American reality television series that premiered on the E! He told me to find a second wife, perform the ceremony, consummate the marriage -- THEN tell my first wife. Like anything good, they require a lot of effort. Robert E Smith from Rochester, New York on March 31, 2017: Very useful article Sharilee. Now I actually have a problem remembering my first marriage in any detail because all my life is invested in this one. It was a great question, and got me reflecting on my experiences and what I have learned so far. Polygamy is a choice and a way of life for thousands of people worldwide. It honours the fact that this person has chosen you above all the other human beings on the earth, to spend their time with. Make some new friends, friends who didn't know the exes, and don't know you or your spouse before.Friends that will not compare this marriage to the first marriage, or act like they have secrets from you, regarding the first spouse. Some people may have trouble with this advice, thinking that it's not right to put the second wife or husband before the children, but it is the best way to achieve long-term stability for both the marriage and the children. And now we can take the broken pieces and see what can be woven out of it. I know I need my own life but my friends live a few hours away and we now go to his old church so I'm just tagging along. He puts his children, ex-wife, and parents above me. I am sure that helped to make things a bit less complicated! I have had pleasure of conversing with this gentleman for a number of years. I gradually became aware that she had helped me kill the ghosts. What are his or her needs? Take care! I am in my second marriage and although we are happy, a lot of what you said rings true for us. alenushka from Mississauga, Ontario on January 08, 2011: Thank you for the article, it gave me hope that maybe something can be made from my relationship with a man i love. Here's my theory as a second wife. And thanks for the blessings ... take care! We have many rocky times but there are some point in your hub that we've already started paracticing and now that i've found this, we shall put the rest into practice! Loved reading this. If you want to email me, feel free, and we can talk further. You are right; it doesn't always get better. We couldn't get past all of our hurts and we couldn't get along. That is an excellent strategy on the part of your wife and very astute of you to realize this, so it didn't lead to terrible conflict. In many cases, it does get better. I am so very glad that it came at the right time, and was something that you could use! This time, the "twist" is that the self-absorbed divas being filmed are the wives and fiancées of rich, powerful men â¦ âthen marry women of your choice, two or three, or four but if you fear that you shall not be able to deal justly, then only oneâ. Ideally, couples should go out on a date once a week, but sometimes you just cannot do it. I have an incredible wife! Sharilee Swaity (author) from Canada on March 06, 2016: Deborah, thank you so much for your feedback. So many of us carry baggage that must be dealt within a relationship, whether it's a marriage or not. And this is important in staying together in a second marriage. I, on thr other hand, have never been married and tend to harbor on the past. Even just one change for the better can start you feeling a whole better in a lot of ways. As a convention, the husband is displayed to the left and the spouse is displayed to the right. My husband and I have been married for two and a half years. But children should not be allowed to use the second marriage to demand things that are not appropriate for them as children, just because their natural parent feels guilty. Rule for marriage: Say I Love You At Least Once A Day. When my husband and I first got married, I felt much the same way. It is both important to do things together, and have things you do on your own. I was too busy focusing on how horrible her actions were that I completely neglected my relationship with my fiancé. That is such an excellent resource and I am so glad to hear it helped you guys out. Look at where the disagreements are. And I'm sure it will be worth the wait! Your post brought me to tears and for the first time I feel the STRONGEST sense of hope for being my fiancé's second wife. Your situation sounds very painful, and I can understand the nervousness and anxiety you are feeling. I know that people can use this valuable information, but I knew I could not do it justice because I am married and have been only once. Thanks for taking care and many more happy years to both of you. The show documents the personal and professional lives of a group of several women who are already or are to become the second, third, fourth or fifth wives of wealthy and successful men. How would I go about fixing this? I never left the toilet seat up and other such young man things. The next point is going to sound like the opposite of the last one, but it's really not. I apologize for not getting back to you sooner, as I have been away from the site for a while. Flo Belanger from British Columbia, Canada on December 09, 2010: Very well written and true. Forgive your spouse. I will address your question, even at this late date, in case you ever come back, and even for the benefit of others. What do you want me to do for you? We need to let go of the ideal, and embrace the real. I wanted people to get Tips on Having A Successful Second Marriage. Women tend to need love and affection. Joleen, thank you so much for the recommendation. The site is really easy to use and mobile friendly. Men tend to need respect and sex. Sometimes second marriages seems impossible but this articles has ten tips for making it more manageable. I am sure that you have learned a lot from your past, and it sounds like both of you are very committed. Being a "second wife," should not mean being second in importance, and if that message is conveyed, it can lead to a multitude of negative emotions. --Hyppolytus. Take care, Flobe! Putting a spouse first does not mean putting children last. Really great points though. Sometimes, it's an hour of coffee talk in the morning. I do think you have a chance. The first year of marriage is the hardest, which is what everyone told me, but it's true. My heart fell the floor and very nearly shattered. It sounds like you are reaching a point of acceptance, which is awesome. A site that cares about the lifestyle of polygamy and really takes the effort to guide people properly. Sharilee Swaity (author) from Canada on May 14, 2012: @NyBride, that is good that one of you had no baggage. I've been with my husband for 17 years and we've been married for 12. The Second Wife is a full-on thriller with a hint of romance. Answer: Money issues are more complicated after a second marriage, and require a lot of communication and planning. This is not cheating and certainly is not bigamy. Sharilee Swaity (author) from Canada on December 09, 2010: Flobe, thank you so much for the encouragement. I agree with whoever said that marriage is like a garden and you have to take care of it on a regular basis.Our garden is beautiful and blooming and I want to keep it that way! Second marriages also add ex-spouses, custody issues and hurt from a breakup to the mix. They've already had enough of that! I do not know your husband, but it's possible he is just so burned out right now, that he is incapable of showing you the love you deserve. about what both of you would like, and try to come to a compromise. You need to have things in your life that you share besides grocery shopping, bills and the bedroom. The experience left me with some "second relationship training.". First of all, I can honestly say that I understand what you are going through. Other needs will vary according to each individual, but the important thing is to take the time to meet those needs, and to not take your spouse for granted. I know when my husband and I first started out, I was desperate for answers, too. Khaled didnât live-stream the birth of the coupleâs second child on Snapchat either, as he did with their first, 3-year-old Asahd Khaled. Or you can simply ask him: what's important to you? It is created by putting together hundreds of little broken pieces from what was once whole. You might make new friends by joining a new church, or a social group, or just by meeting people in your daily life, and reaching out. I won't be able to be with him without finalizing divorce..Sorry, maybe it is that "relevant" to your article... but this is cry from my soul...Thank you again for the amazing article! The second wife made everyone uncomfortable. Thank you so much for replying. :). Forgiveness doesn't mean that you approve, simply that you refuse to be controlled by it anymore. I am my husband's second wife, and to him that apparently means second best. Second marriages have built-in separation (kid that only belong to one of you, ex-partners, separate financial history and so on). I think it depends on the circumstances, and how much money is being given. Even if you are already married, it is not too late to sit down and have an honest discussion. Sharilee Swaity (author) from Canada on January 06, 2011: Leann, that's awesome! This can lead to a much-known phenomenon known as the âsecond wife syndrome.â Here are some signs that you have allowed the second â¦ That way it's a fait accompli. I had 6 children with my 1st husband. by Teresa Paprock. It is challenging sometimes, isn't it? It is so true that the more whole we are, the better relationship we can have. It does not happen overnight. Say "I love you" at least once a day. Sharilee Swaity (author) from Canada on December 10, 2010: Thanks so much for your kind comment. So, I hope to give back because it is often a very difficult situation that people are in. Putting anyone else before your spouse, whether it be children, ex-spouses, in-laws, or friends, sends the message that they are not important, and will always be "second." Hurt from a past marriage is a tremendous thing to overcome, and takes times, healing and love. I think these are great for first marriage or even first relationship too as many people carry emotional baggage from past! This is critical! You take care, too! Mohammad Tanvir Ibne Amin from Dhaka on April 25, 2015: I remember when I first met some of my new wife's friends. All these negative thoughts clouded my rational sense of thinking. He abducts her and steals her away to Pakistan where he forces her to become his second wife â¦ So, it is with our lives in second marriages. More healthy and loving years together for you and your man. Take care, and have a wonderful day. One thing that i used to do was write on the computer, but put a password on the document, so I was confident that no one would be able to read it. I think good marriage counseling if both of you are willing can help work through an issue like this. Sounds about as wise as the time my dad gave my mom a â¦ I'm glad to hear that you guys are happy and making it. Statistics say that it takes seven years for a stepfamily to adjust fully. But what they didnât know is that I was far more uncomfortable than they could even imagine. He is my inspiration. THANK YOU THANK YOU THANK YOU! Preferably a lot more. Hope my second and last man will come when he and I have achieved being complete with our individual selves. If I dropped dead right now, he would be remarried in 3 months. I entered the marriage having no baggage, as in no prior divorces and no children... he on the other hand had one prior marriage and three children. For a moment, I allowed her actions to get to me and I didn't want to hear out my fiancé. I love him and dreaming to be his wife... working towards my divorce which is no going to be a problem, my ex was abusive, sociopath, we are separated with "help" of police and court order... so...just takes time and money to get Divorce Certificate. Bitterness can build in her if she is neglected, or if she is given too much of a role in caring for her step-children. It sounds like you guys have a lot to handle but that is great that you were able to get help. We met several years after the both of us had divorced. His second wife also had a child of her own from a previous relationship before they met and fell in love. The key is that you discuss money, instead of letting resentment build up, and destroy your relationship. Take care! Second Wives: Despite the seemingly catty assumption that the financial tie between their husband and his ex-wife simply irks them, the concerns of the second wife are largely financial as well. She broke up with me I thought of because of the kids because she has already raised hers and she is done with that but as im finding out she has never dealt with past marriage hurts. He gives 50% of every dime he makes to her. I agree that we have to work things out, and not let them just simmer until someone explodes, or even leaves. We might have dreamt about something different, but God allowed this. Between moving and retiring, and being a 2nd marriage, it's been hard. My husband and I have been married for 8 months and he has been married before and has 2 kids from that marriage. Take care ... Char M from Pacific Coast on January 02, 2011: #8 and #9 are what I need to work on the most. Karen Hellier from Georgia on January 29, 2012: This is great. It seems that he is saving it for his child, being evicted by my stepson when I am old is a really nagging thought. As little girls, none of us go to sleep dreaming about being someone's second wife. But few marriages are without problems, and some of them are very specific to being a second wife. There is some literature out there on this topic, if you want to study this in-depth. I've been falsely accused of horrible things, she threatened to prevent me from becoming a licensed therapist, she even told her daughter that she wasn't allowed to love me. You have give valid and useful advice. Should I get a divorce? Second time round, people are older and have a clearer idea of who they are and what they do and do not want in a relationship. You are one of the 826,000 women who become second wives each year. I could go on forever. If you are a believer, put God first, and your spouse second. Have a wonderful day! I am trying to talk to her and help her resolve these, do you think I have a chance. I was in a relationship with a wonderful woman were both divorced and she has 2 girls, one in college one finishing high school, I have 2 girls also, one in 4th grade and one in 7th grade. âOur Second Marriage Works Becauseâ¦â My current marriage is almost as long as my first was. Sometimes it might mean talking about it. It helps bring us back to the love we have for each other. By not allowing anyone (including your children) to disrespect them, and by generally giving them priority in your life. The children's needs are of utmost important, and everyone's needs within a family need to be considered. Sharilee Swaity (author) from Canada on September 24, 2014: @Mathira, you are so right! This was exactly what i needed to hear today! The discussion is way more complex then a simple statistic that women initiate 70% o divorces. Sima Ballinger from Michigan on December 23, 2010: Hi Prairieprincess, I am the one who asked the question in the question and answers. I believe it is possible for others to be happy in their second marriage, too. It is eye-opening to realize how urgent our spouse's needs are! He said that I wasnât attractive and that he wants to spend the remainder of his life with a young and attractive woman. My husband and I are both on our third marriage. He might be scared of something, but don't assume that you are sure of his motivation until you talk to him. Polygamy is a choice and a way of life for thousands of people worldwide. Sometimes it does look impossible but it's not, if you keep trying. I'm glad you agree with the points and that you guys are making it work. He travels for a living and I get to see him every other weekend. Sharilee Swaity (author) from Canada on February 04, 2013: Jessa, I am thrilled that this gave you some hope. Period. I feel like I am single and anchored down by a weight and I can't breathe. Take care! My husband and I, at are our wedding, with my grandparents. Perhaps the grass is not always greener," Montgomery said. Talk about it, with the intention of letting it go. If you are not married yet, it is a really good idea to talk about your finances before entering a marriage. Have a great night! Although this may sound obvious, it will be very important to remember these rules when the situation becomes a bit more complex. By always asking them about plans that concern one of you. I would happily reccomend this to any one seeking a polygamous relationship. I know that my husband didn't want to commit to me, either, and didn't feel ready when we first met. I was trying to suggest, but your comment made me realize I should have been more direct, so I have mentioned the book right in the text. What does putting your spouse first do for the relationship? You have to let go of what happened in your first marriage or previous relationships. Then there are the kids. The Exceedingly Complex Role of the Stepmom. I hope it helps. The book, "His Needs, Her Needs" is excellent at explaining these needs, and why it is important to meet them. New friends have known both of you an equal amount of time, making for a more equitable friendship. I appreciate your advice and suggestions. Try to discuss it as a couple, to decide what is reasonable. They want to reduce the Spousal Support being paid to the first wives by the second wivesâ new husband. I have been busy working and have not been able to keep up with the comments. Sharilee Swaity writes on family and marriage issues on her blog, Second Chance Love. My husband works shift work, and when I was teaching, it was very hard to find time together. can we say "print" and put on the fridge?! Mini-Wife Syndrome A Guide for Stepmoms: Red Flags, Root Causes and Remedies by Brenda Snyder, LCSW. Being in a second marriage is not the ideal. In fact, over 25% of marriages don't make it the second time around, and it's easy to figure out why. Take care, and God bless you! This ain't no Brady Bunch, and this ain't no fairytale. An excellent rule-of-thumb is to give children as much leeway as you would in a first marriage. Life is not just you and your husband. I do feel so much for your situation, and hope that you can find a solution that works better for you. The husband married the second wife, had one child and separated. And it gives them the security to keep going in a difficult relationship. I like your perspective and will be sharing your book with my future husband (second marriage). I can also tell you that it eventually got better, but it took a long time. It will never ill be. Take care and thanks again for the lovely comment. joleenruffin from Tracy, CA on December 09, 2010: I'm not sure if you are recommending the His Needs Her Needs book in this posting, but I just wanted to say that it is an awesome book and has helped my husband and I tremendously in our marriage. Read the report.